Long, long, lines lined up this weekend for the number one box office take of the early summer movie offerings thus far...

Don't worry - opening weekend will be about the only week one will have trouble getting tickets for the 4th Indiana Jones movie. The reason why is that once movie going audiences get a gander at the alien plastic skull with wadded up saran wrap inside of it they will be so angry they spent the money to see this film they will likely poke their own eyes out in protest.

Sounds extreme you say?

Just wait till you sit through the two hour mistake. Pass me a fork please, my hand is far too comfortable...

Seriously peeps other than a casual hat-tip to Indy's assistant Marcus, there is nothing resembling the original Indiana Jones' franchise in this disaster of LucasFilm proportions.

If the original "Indy being chased by a ginormous rolling boulder" went down as one of the best special effects of Hollywood history - then the climactic scene of the giant space ship whirling itself into "another portal" will qualify as one of the greatest unintended laugh inducing non-comedic close encounters of the worst kind ever cinematized.

SO MUCH of this movie was SO BAD I felt like going up to every person waiting for the next showing and saying, "save yourself now." I mean one would have a far more entertaining time watching various, out of chronological order "Raiders of the Lost Ark" clips on YouTube - while waiting for a 24k baud dial-up modem to fire than enduring the old mess that bored movie audiences everywhere this weekend.

Where to begin...

First off - how 'bout the fact that there may not be a single scene in the entire film that didn't get shot on a soundstage. LOOK PEOPLE - tiny indoor sets stretched out to fill a big HD film screen doesn't look any bigger. Just very lame. Look for the particularly bad lighting in the opening Area 51 scene in Nevada where before they enter the warehouse you get "sunshine" head lighting coming from four different directions - at the same time. Even the shadows are confused.

Secondly - Harrison Ford felt like a really old, not very witty, half cripple geriatric that would be more likely to break a hip moving too quickly in the shower. But never mind that - the arthritic dinosaur survives three separate trips down ancient Myan waterfalls.

Third - Normally Indiana Jones movies ALWAYS included humor, ALWAYS were smartly written, and ALWAYS had great execution of all the double entendres so as to keep audiences not just on the edge of their seat from the action - but listening attentively to not miss the next really smarmy comeback. This wretched piece of grotesque screenplay is just an insult to anything resembling writing, language, humor - heck anything using words.

The stunts were horrid. The sound effects were recycled: The Lovely Bride and the Fighter Pilot brother in law were both pretty sure the sounds of the monkeys coming down through the trees had already been used in Empire Strikes Back when the Ugnaughts fought Chewie for C-3PO's dismembered members. The acting atrocious, and the concept of the entire movie hugely stinky...

Seriously now we know why they renamed the movie from its original concept: Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars (original title - seriously.) They changed that name because anyone who would've remotely thought about such a premise would've stayed home, brushed their hair, picked fleas of their pets, or anything more interesting than - SPACE INVADERS.

In fact the only difficult part of reviewing this movie is determining which portion of it was the most lame.

1. Is it when Shia Lebouf re-inacts the Ewok race through the forest?

2. Is it when Indiana Jones refuses to be pulled out of quicksand until someone calls a snake, a rope?

3. Is it when the plastic skull with visible wadded up saran wrap "jumps" back onto its own spine and sets off the return voyage of the space invaders?

4. Is it the "National Treasure" rip-off scene as the crew descends into the Myan lost castle?

I would list all of the lame scene but they grow to numerous to identify here...

Long story short peeps... If you LOVE Indiana Jones, the REAL Indiana Jones, the one who was young and smart-mouthed who could get himself in as much trouble as he could get himself out of and look cool while doing it - then PLEASE for the LOVE OF ALL THAT's HOLY save yourself the pain of actually sitting through the "jocks vs. greasers" fisticuffs...

Because I promise you, and I do so without remorse...

Should you choose to act against not only your better judgment but NOW direct warning of one of the most awful experiences one can be made to endure (coating one's self in fluid dog dung aside)...

You will wish you had...

Run don't walk... away... from even the mere impulse of spending money to see this "movie..."

I know I wish I did!